Fitmas Eve: A Gym Sales Parody of ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Fitmas, and all through the gym, Not a treadmill was stirring, not even a whim. The kettlebells were hung by the weight racks with care, In hopes that new members soon would be there.

The sales reps were nestled all snug in their chairs, While visions of commission danced in their airs. And Manager in their tracksuit, and I in my cap, Had just settled in for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the floor, there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter. Away to the windows, I flew like a flash, Tore open the blinds and threw up the sash.

The neon lights on the gym equipment below, Gave the lustre of midday to workouts in tow. When what to my wandering eyes should appear, But a lively salesperson, spreading gym cheer.

With a smooth-talking pitch, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment they must be St. Nick. More rapid than eagles, their phrases they came, As they whistled and shouted and called them by name.

“Now Burpees! Now Deadlifts! Now Squats and Bench Press! On Kettlebells! On Rowing! On Spin Class, no less! To the top of the leaderboards! To the fitness wall! Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!”

As gym-goers before the January rush fly, When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky. So up to the treadmills, the members they flew, With a bag full of protein bars, and St. Nicholas too.

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the mats, The prancing and flexing of each workout cat. As I drew in my head and was turning around, Through the gym doors, St. Nicholas came with a bound.

Dressed in Lycra from head to their foot, Their clothes were all branded, their gains were on soot. A bundle of protein shakes they had flung on their back, And they looked like a bodybuilder opening their pack.

Their eyes—how they sparkled! Their muscles, how scary! Their cheeks were like kettlebells, their nose like a cherry! Their droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, And the beard on their chin was as white as the snow.

The shake in their hand they held tight to their lips, And the aroma encircled their head like a wisp. They had a broad face and a six-pack that popped, That shook when they laughed, like a kettlebell dropped.

They were fit and spry, a right jolly old elf, And I laughed when I saw them, in spite of myself. A wink of their eye and a twist of their head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

They spoke not a word but went straight to their work, Persuading and charming; no task did they shirk. And laying a finger aside of their nose, They gestured toward the weights, as the ultimate prose.

They sprang to their car, to their team gave a whistle, And away they all flew, like the down of a thistle. But I heard them exclaim, as they drove out of sight, “Happy Fitmas to all, and to all a good night!”

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An Outsourced CEO, Turnaround Expert and Author, Jim Thomas is the founder and president of FMC USA Inc., a management consulting, turnaround, financing  and brokerage firm specializing in the leisure services industry. With more than 25 years of experience owning, operating and managing facilities of all sizes, Thomas lectures and delivers seminars, webinars and workshops across the globe on the practical skills required to successfully overcome obscurity, improve sales, build teamwork and market fitness programs and products. Visit his Web site at: or

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